Wednesday, June 12, 2024

SCHWARTZ BORG

Last year was year 101.

This year is 101 and next year it will be year 101,

because the past and future are illegal.



The vast economy of the mega-city
Bofugro thrives,

because non-consumerism is illegal.



Nano-Tek Gizmek is embedded in the cells of every Humo-Sapien

transforming them into walking computers living in an VR enhanced world.

Gender is now physically fluid, allowing everyone to transform

from male to female or anywhere in between.

There are no children, because children are illegal.



The UR has survived many apocolii, thanks to the Klummtopians,

a benevolent race of warrior androids who watch over ground zero

and keep the raging forces of the Gulblätt Tillständ contained.




Welcome to the megalopolis of BOFUGRO. 


It's midnight and no one is talking. On the deck of the ferry Dead Albert five darkened figures and a large mechanical spider stand in a loose huddle as it plows through garbage choked waters toward the robo-factories of Mosscroft. They will discover that they all have bought themselves identical tickets while having no memory of doing so to rescue their shared non-existent uncle Fronk.


The automated vessel pulls up to a creaky dock underneath the overhang of an unfinished bridge section of a deserted twelve lane motorway which abruptly ends over the water as if it were cut off cleanly with a hot knife. The horizon is an endless backdrop of factories, next to the dock is the Holekist Fish Fish rendering plant, almost looking cute nestled amongst the larger more serious looking industries, and where their collective uncle “Fronk” needs rescuing and their destination. Everyone scuttles on the slippery deck of the Dead Albert past bales of materials which may be raw material or waste product or both onto the shore of Bofugros vast northern industrial complex.


Meet the bug-like Lykema, (owner of the mek spiderzoid), Axen, a ripped sadistic grunt encased in combat armor, Psychopomp, a pleather jacket scythe wielding goon, Fold, who has hex patterned skin and fifteen foot folding arms, and Coda, a barely legal freckled screenager cloaked in an optic camo suit (and four grenades). Just your typical scum from the slum of Laketown. They are all denizens of the slum Laketown, so introductions are irrelevant. They are all completely unrelated, yet all have left notes to themselves which they have no memory of writing, and seem to have the same uncle “Fronk”, who presumably is in one of these factory buildings. They still aren’t talking.


It's dark and deserted and not even trash is blowing across the truncated twelve lane motorway as they make their way toward a pair of deserted drop marts in the Holekist parking lot. The first has a sign reading “Guy-Yellows" which offers virtual hats, the other is a gaudy DS Mart choked with racks of identically packaged consumables while highlights from Sportz-a-Ball matches unspool in endless loops. Both are empty and look as if they were freshly swapped out by a Mart Hopper only hours ago.


Far up the motorway they see headlights. A polished gold stretch limo materializes and silently parks in front of the DS Mart. A humo, presenting as female with the insane headdress of a celestial being emerges like a ballerina and enters the DS Mart.


Fold’s interest is piqued and decides to go into the Mart. The woman’s golden AR radiates waves of golden light rays like a garage jesus making it slightly more difficult for Fold to pluck a blister from a rack opposite her. DS Marts specialize in selling identical items, in this case blind blister packed Sportz-a-Ball player fobs. Fold attempts to use a form of compulsion on her, but she smiles sweetly and bats it back to him. She says “Are you here for my Glorious one?” and gestures sending a golden spray from her hand to the blister Fold is holding. Inside the trashy Sportz-a-Ball collectable has been transformed into a glowing TrishAnkh. “Are you Ishtar?” Fold says. “That is a name I have not used for a long time. I hope you can find my Glorious One. In this time I am called Trisha.” “Did you just make this change?” Trisha answers “That may help you, you have but to ask” while gliding out of the Mart.


A M’urk is deducted from Fold’s meager bank account as they follow while tossing the glowing TrishAnkh onto the pavement. “Did you change this thing?” Trisha pauses in her mouthing of the lyrics of an El’ Glez pop song to nod as the illegal ‘Jikk of the TrishAnkh is siphoned away. The gold tinted window slides closed and the limo disappears back into the night.








Monday, November 28, 2022

Leenda’s Matchbox Arena #2 November 25th, 2022

Troupe: Marolin Moneybanks (Quinn), Flaca Oaxaca (Grace), Smudge Shellston (Michael), Doop (Caleb), Halcyon (Justina), The Biggest* (Griffin) and Sanford (Kris).

Garage Leader: Ro

Location: Ro's Dining Room

Link to Preceding Adventure: Icy Flows of Boo # 11 & Leenda’s Matchbox Arena #1


In the last PEOG our troupe and another group decided to be shrunk down by a kindly arcanist so they may work out their differences within an illegal matchbox arena. Two na-nutas of fray making have already passed.

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Icy Flows of Boo #3 May 23rd 2021

Troupe: Klomp (Mark), Flaca (Grace), Smudge (Michael) and Smock (Caleb).
Garage Leader: Ro
Location: Ro's Garage
Link to Preceding Adventure: Icy Flows of Boo #2 May 16th 2021

Our game now sports fancy mood setting lights!

Klomp impales the now prone body of the Behemoth Snow Leopardoid one more time just to make sure it doesn't come back to life. The troupe spends several Mi-nutas discussing whether or not they should skin it. Klomp searches the creature for swag and finds none. They try to pull the 16 foot long carcass up onto the chariot, but it is too large and keeps sliding off. They decide to give this idea and take the creature's “Skrawww” pole arm as consolation.

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Icy Flows of Boo #2 May 16th 2021

Troupe: Klomp (Mark), Flaca (Grace), Shimmy (Emelia), Smudge (Michael), Smock (Caleb) and Gyro as Barney (Jimmy).
Garage Leader: Ro
Location: Ro's Garage
Link to Preceding Adventure: Icy Flows of Boo #1 May 2nd 2021


The lifeless body of the Welt bolts upright in shock. She seems surprised and wary at the same time, as if this state is not all that uncommon to her. As she searches her pockets for something “my pocket orb is missing...has anyone seen it? Oh, my name is Mistla.” Smudge calls her pocket orb and it is no surprise when a buzzing sound comes from Flaca’s pocket. She flicks her eyes and mutter’s “whatever” as she hands it back.

Friday, May 28, 2021

Icy Flows of Boo #1 May 2nd 2021

The troupe's approximate location

Troupe: Philton (James), Flaca (Grace), Shimmy (Emelia), Smock (Caleb) and Gyro as Barney (Jimmy).
Garage Leader: Ro
Location: Ro's Garage (Not to be confused with Joe's Garage)
Link to Preceding Adventure: Dusty PennGooInn #4 September 13th 2020
Link to Next Adventure: Icy Flows of Boo #2 May 16th 2021

NOTE: This descriptor of events was automatically captured by the Klogg Narr 'Gic and transcribed into a text document by ASSININE (Artificial Serebral System Ingeniously Not Incongruous Nor Equivocal, a new Smorkk technology).

ANOTHER NOTE: This adventure experience picks up from the events in Dusty PennGooInn #4 September 13th 2020.

Sunday, March 14, 2021

#2 Sham End March 8th, 2021 Session 2

Troupe: THE straw prince, Shtick and Oda
Basement Leader: Ro

Whimsy Cards in play this PEOG

Baba tells them there is no spell casting in the house. Closing the door behind them, Oda, Shtick and THE straw prince step out onto the path in front of the old woman’s house. They carefully position themselves so that they are right at the point where it splits, going either north or northeast.

Monday, November 30, 2020

#1 Sham End November 28th 2020 Session 1

Troupe: THE straw prince, Shtick and Oda
Basement Leader: Ro

"Caleb" as Shtick

The wind is blowing through the boards of a long abandoned farmhouse. A rainstorm has just moved on leaving a few puddles. Shtick being an adventurous creature followed the rain inland. Erkins are creatures of flame who usually keep to themselves. Contrary to what most believe, they love making water hiss and evaporate. He had never seen a Millibrick before and when he playfully tried to melt it, thousands of it’s friends chased him to the old farm.  Here they trapped him by quickly assembling themselves into a brick shed. Through a narrow opening he can see an old union suit on a clothesline whip around crazily.

Sunday, November 15, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #4 September 13th 2020

Troupe: Gyro, Indus and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)


Varkendor and Halcyon have unfinished business and are unable to stay with the troupe. Varkendor, being an Arcanist skilled in the art, gives Gyro, Indus and Philton who will be traveling to...someplace only described as mightily cold, a piece of “Teleportal Bark”. This vascular cambium apparently has the magical power to act as a beacon allowing Varkendor to pinpoint its runic coordinational position within the T-zoid of Real Life. This will allow them to catch up later on.

Marie as "Indus"

Monday, September 28, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #3 September 6th 2020

Troupe: Varkendor, Gyro, Indus, Halcyon and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

In this instalment the players are chastised for not having seen “The Producers”.


A few bored Gnylls are scattered around the tavern. Among them sits a lone Cattoid, ears low, eyes slits. The troupe is still eating breakfast. Boogah has returned after being gone for only a moment. He explains the expedition is short handed and motions toward the swinging doors where two figures are emerging. The taller one may once have been a majestic wizard. At the moment he is a creaky looking mannequin covered with bark and random leaves. The shorter is a squat metallic box with mechanical limbs. Its upper limbs are over long while the lower are too short. Boogah quickly introduces them, “This is Varkendor the Arcanist and Gyro the Robut.”

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #2 August 30th 2020

Troupe: Meep, Cassius and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)


In this instalment we learn that it’s OK to store the elderly in a diminutive state.

Festus of the Dusty PennGooInn

The troupe members finally reach the Dusty Pengooinn near midnight. Things appear calm. The interior looks as much as the outside, except that the excitement has worn off. There are a few slouching Gnylls scattered among the tables. The attract routine of an old “Strike the Dromedary” machine filters through the background.

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #1 August 23rd 2020

Troupe: Meep, Ivern, Cassius, Smock and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

The scene is a crowded subterranean maze of prison cells secretly tucked under the royal palace in Fooburg. Law breakers are being herded in groups from one area to the next. We now follow a small trio being pushed into the opening of a cage squatting on a series of small rollers leading a short distance to the spiraling maw of a teleportal. A guard yells to them “pull the chain when you feel wind on your face”. The door is then shut and they are kicked into the dimensional vortex.


Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #5 August 16th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Floyed and Meep. Dardigalish, Halcyon and Ivern decide to poke around the ancient library in the mansion's first floor (Note, this is how I deal with absent players. I don’t like having extra empty bodies around. Players should not have any more resources than what is at the table).
Garage Jesus: Ro*
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)
*Alternative for Crypt Lord, Basement Leader or Garage Leader



Mission accomplished, swag in hand, our troupe is now on board Leendah’s marvelous skiff awaiting her return.

Monday, August 17, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #4 August 9th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Floyd, Halcyon, Dardigalish and Meep.

Garage Jesus: Ro*

Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

*Don’t Ask


The telaportal spits our group into a pitch dark underground cellar. Nearby can be heard water splashing gently in a fountain. Desperate for any form of light, Wheeze pulls out the ancient helmet he found upstairs. From the tiny LED the troupe is able to make out dim shapes within arms reach.



Thursday, August 13, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #3 July 31st 2020


Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Ivern, Floyed and Halcyon
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*i.e., played in my garage, players separated and doors open.

Dardigalish decides to go back to the skiff (this is how we deal with an absent player, their CO takes themselves out of the action).


Our troupe now only has four hours remaining to complete the mission. They have a key, all they need to do is find and figure out what it unlocks.

Sneaking Chum past the party guests on the third floor is presenting a problem. So far the two Sneaks have been trying to use modded Tricky Balls to do this, but this hasn’t worked. The thinking now is that maybe walking up the stairs to the second floor will fire up some kind of inspiration. Better than standing around.


Friday, August 7, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #2 July 26th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum and Dardigalish
The Crypt Lord: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*i.e., played in my garage, players separated and doors open.

Unrolling below the magnificent skiff is a vast northern landscape of bent and gnarled trees. Here and there can be caught glimpses of remote structures whose style is definitely foreign. After a couple of gar-nutas the skiff nears two low hills which hug a secret and hidden city.

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #1 July 19th 2020

Our Troupe: Wheeze, Chum and Dardigalish
The Crypt Lord: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*i.e., played in my garage, players separated and doors open.

The focus of our story now shifts gears from our beloved troupe of Crack Town restaurateurs. We now find ourselves within a seedy bar called the Dusty Penguin located deep in the savage lands of northern Bim Tuck Boo. The establishment has a rough mundane geomorphic nature and prides itself on regularly occurring events of a highly tropesque nature. Drunk Gnylls being tossed through plate glass windows, the plinking sound of the steam piano and chorus boys clomping around in ridiculous footgear. It is a place where any type of story might start or end.

Saturday, June 27, 2020

Crack Town Adventures #June 21st 2020

Our Troupe: Fidus, Doop, Smudge and Perch.
The Crypt Lord: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*this format will be explained in a future post

In the last session the troupe accepts it’s newest member, a female android who has explained that for the next few days she will be experimenting with the concept of agency. See #May 3rd 2020 for details on this.

The troupe has collected on Crack Town's western border. Doop has pulled out various resort furnishings from his Mind Shack and positioned them on top of Barney (his mind controlled Blasta Donn). Then follows a lengthy discussion on how Doop’s Scoop should be made into a chain, actually a brand no less, complete with competitors restaurants which can be reached by secret underground tunnels. When Crack Town lands in a particular region, a restaurant franchise can be set in motion. Each restaurant would be equipped with inflatable zeppelin-like gas bags so that they could become airborne and the troupe would be able to collect their earnings.

Doop inspects Marylin's Ship inside his Mind Shack
Doop inspects Marylin's Ship inside his Mind Shack.

Monday, May 4, 2020

Crack Town Adventures #May 3rd 2020

"Not only am I a fish...I'm small enough to be prepared easily"
Doop, May 3rd, 2020


Our Troupe: ChBaBaCh, Doop, Smudge and Perch.
The Crypt Lord: Ro
Medium: Zoom

I would like to start by quoting a poem by the legendary Kortluskian poet, Alga: 

Oh point avian
Whose pistols are worn
From the friction!

In the last session the troupe has brought their remotely controlled Blasta-Donn back to Crack Town (which they have named Barney). Entering on the western side they crushed Bernie Burnscroot’s small home.

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Flaca Oaxaca: The Worlds 1st Crypts-N-Creepies Cosplay


Meet Grace (one of my long time players and one of the few who reached 7th grid fair and square) as her alter ego "Flo" in CNC. She has been playing for over ten years. I think she has one of the original hardbacks. I recall her telling me she was going to "dress up" as her persona a long time back. I think I both forgot and didn't believe her. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Agents of Smorrk

 "Mechanical Urk" (model, 10" high)

I can never remember if its two K's or two R's.