Monday, September 28, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #3 September 6th 2020

Troupe: Varkendor, Gyro, Indus, Halcyon and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

In this instalment the players are chastised for not having seen “The Producers”.

A few bored Gnylls are scattered around the tavern. Among them sits a lone Cattoid, ears low, eyes slits. The troupe is still eating breakfast. Boogah has returned after being gone for only a moment. He explains the expedition is short handed and motions toward the swinging doors where two figures are emerging. The taller one may once have been a majestic wizard. At the moment he is a creaky looking mannequin covered with bark and random leaves. The shorter is a squat metallic box with mechanical limbs. Its upper limbs are over long while the lower are too short. Boogah quickly introduces them, “This is Varkendor the Arcanist and Gyro the Robut.” The only push back from the troupe is pressuring Boogah to increase the payment by adding one more swag item (of equal or greater value of a wand of house painting, three coats). As Boogah turns to leave yet again he reminds the group that the meeting with Martin is all set up.

"Strike the Dromadary"

The Cattoid is certain she recognises the Welf. She walks over and introduces herself as Halcyon. The Welf confirms the Cattoids suspicion and explains yesterday she was an Ankhmite, but woke up encased in a giant pod and born this morning as Indus the Arcanist. The Cattoid points out that her skills would be most beneficial to the group. Without a word she is in.

Philton, Gyro and Varkendor meanwhile have been lured to the other end of the tavern by an arcade game with a sign over it reading “Fling the Pith Chopper''. It has a thick ten foot diameter wheel with metal rungs protruding from its surface attached to the wall. Nearby sits a basket filled with leather straps. Three small hatchets are stuck in a stump opposite the giant disc. Philton and Gyro are just about ready to put a few coins in the slot as a mild look of terror appears on Varkendor’s wooden face. The pair slowly realise launching tree killing instruments into the woody flesh of the Arcanists kin would be a little off-putting. Philton tries his skill instead with another device entitled “Pupa’s Revenge”. He mounts the abused looking lepidoptera and slides a sodium piece into the slot. As the machine tries to throw him he wraps his hands around the threadbare antennas. It rotates madly while extending upwards to the ceiling. The Warf apparently has a talent for riding wildly gyrating lepidoptera. Sadly, besting the Pupa is its own reward, the bar offers no monetary payout.

Indus decides to teach Gyro the value of how to become friends by hugging. Gyro is quite literal, thus the concept of friends needs to be explained a few times. Deeming that a success, Indus then teaches him how to “high five” and nearly loses a limb doing so. Feeling emboldened with friendship, she begins to approach random Gnylls. Her advances and various questions only bring out the cold shoulder in these randomly generated creatures. Fooling around with background elements of the setting has finally worn everyone down to the point where someone suggests sending a message to Martin to see if he can meet them early. A perfect menial task for the massive Slave Android of Gor. Martin agrees to meet the troupe outside near the fake bank and reminds them that sales are cash only.

"Slave Android of Gor"

After a break for urination, the group walks forty paces over to the fake bank. Indeed, the words “Fake Bank” are painted clearly on the front. From a distance the clever paint job almost hides the fact that it is completely two dimensional. Philton opens the thin prop door and on the other side Martin is waiting.


Faded orange fur is framed by his futuristic suit harness. Here and there around his body are golden tek implants, with a larger one over his heart. A dozen gold tek insectoids scurry around him, clearly on alert. “Did you bring cash?” he asks in a low smugglers rasp. Everyone nods. The troupe begins listing out stuff: coats, sleeping gear, snow shoes and the like. Martin nods.  A cat paw appears from a tiny floating door and drops a keyring into his open paw. As quickly as it disappears he is flipping various keys in the air in order to unlock numerous color coded pocket lockers. In a short time a dozen large metal doors are yawning open to extradimensional space packed with various gear. It’s clear after getting initial prices that the group cannot possibly afford what they need. Halcyon uses her Cattoid charm on Martin and reluctantly he allows them enough slack so they can at least get the basics.

Pocket Lockers

Join us in my garage for the next exciting chapter!

Here's the Quiz (Each correct answer is worth 1 xp):

1) Name a squeamish intestinal tract aid discussed at length this evening. (Laxitive)
2) What personal question was Varkindoor asked? (“Are you an Oak or Cypress?”)
3) Where does the term “robut” come from? (Gilligan’s Island)
4) What does Marie like to do to make friends? (Pick people up)
5) What don’t I condone? (Running over a young Martha Stewart)
6) Name three movies Zero Mostel was in. (Fiddler on the Roof, A funny thing Happened on the way to the Forum and The Producers)
7) What does the red pill do? (Allow you to see the real world)
8) How much is an unobtanium piece worth? (1,000,001 Hgp)
9) How many fired clay pellets are in a pound? (40)
10) What kind of look did Marty give Halcyon? (The Bobba Fett nod)

3 seconds of nod

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #2 August 30th 2020

Troupe: Meep, Cassius and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

In this instalment we learn that it’s OK to store the elderly in a diminutive state.

Festus of the Dusty PennGooInn

The troupe members finally reach the Dusty Pengooinn near midnight. Things appear calm. The interior looks as much as the outside, except that the excitement has worn off. There are a few slouching Gnylls scattered among the tables. The attract routine of an old “Strike the Dromedary” machine filters through the background. The mud has solidified on the Slorgg racing table. Chipped mugs are being slowly washed and stacked behind the bar by an aged Hume and an robut. The ancient machine has been hijacked from some movie possibly seen in the distant past. Parts still retain their vacuum metalized sheen. One drier hose clad arm hangs limply at its side. “Hey, can I help you?” comes from a vibrating sheet of tin not unlike the low tones of a drawling pirate dipped in honey. Nameless liquor is produced, as dictated by the randomly generated custom.

I.C.U.P.P. of the Dusty PennGooInn

Philton arranges for accommodations. Meep’s normal glow seems a bit off, so a full mercury piece is expended to procure two adjoining rooms. The Ankmite excuses itself and goes upstairs to crash. Philton and Cassius follow after they have learned the names of the two bartenders, Festus and I.C.U.P.P.  As Cassius falls asleep he notices under the door a glow from Meep’s room. He decides to ignore it.

Cassius (Played by Michael)

In the morning Philton knocks on Meep’s door, but there is no response. Opening the door they discover a giant golden pea pod resting on the bed. A voice comes from inside, one that sounds like Meep’s. Philton rips chunks off the pod to reveal a golden skinned Welf. A Welf which has an uncanny resemblance to Meep. Climbing out of the pod she introduces herself as Indus the Arcanist. After a short exchange the three walk downstairs to have breakfast. Philton attempts to explain the concept of child birth to her by explaining “I slid out of a very angry woman”.

Philton  (Played by James)

Meep/Indus (Played by Marie)

While walking downstairs they encounter a moth-winged pillow hovering in the air. A tiny filigree cage rests on the pillow. As Indus moves closer she can see two tiny twins who are smiling and waving. “So good to see you, did you sleep well?” The hovering pillow follows them to breakfast. Once the tiny twins Emi and Yumi discover that today is Indus’s birthday they insist that breakfast is on the house. They splurge and have all three kinds of bacon.

Emi & Yumi of the Dusty PennGooInn

Mid-breakfast, Boogah appears and makes himself comfortable at their table. “I have another job if you're interested. I need you to find a Life Crystal to help out some orphans I know.” He straightens a bit in his chair, no easy task for someone without a proper torso. “Yeah, for the orphans”. The bit about the Life Crystal feels made up on the spot. Cassius and Philton race right past the whole orphans thing and start haggling for what the job will pay. After several rounds they agree on 1,600 mercury, a laxative and two swag items of equal or greater value than the wand of house painting (two coats). As Boogah gets up he asks if they have extreme cold weather gear. If not, he can set up a meeting with his “guy” Marty. Halfway up the stairs he asks if they know how to summon an Oober Sleemay in which to travel.(Spell check did not like that one!)

Cassius flys off, perhaps to never be seen again.

Join us in my garage for the next exciting chapter!

Here's the Quiz (Each correct answer is worth 1 xp):

1) What is it OK to do with the elderly? (“Store them in a diminutive state”)
2) Who was Philton never better than? (Daniel, his brother)
3) Name three things you do when you are drunk? (1) Cut your own hair, 2) Flower arranging and 3) Get a tattoo)
4) What is a man jacket? (Hair)
5) What makes a camel sound? (Strike the Dromedary game)
6) What earthly animal exists in CNC? (Chickens)
7) What is a friend? (Someone you can pick up)
8) What did Philton slide out of? (A very angry woman)
9) What is the robuts name? (I.C.U.P.P.)
10) When can Philton have the artifact? (When Indus poops it out)

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Dusty PennGooInn #1 August 23rd 2020

Troupe: Meep, Ivern, Cassius, Smock and Philton
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

The scene is a crowded subterranean maze of prison cells secretly tucked under the royal palace in Fooburg. Law breakers are being herded in groups from one area to the next. We now follow a small trio being pushed into the opening of a cage squatting on a series of small rollers leading a short distance to the spiraling maw of a teleportal. A guard yells to them “pull the chain when you feel wind on your face”. The door is then shut and they are kicked into the dimensional vortex.

What a motley group! Philton is a folicalily challenged Warf. Cassius is aloof and standing as far from the others as the cage allows. Smock is a cute rag doll who somehow got tangled up with the law. (The Moot of Fooglee is the only civilised place where a Raggle could be thrown in prison). The three inspect the chain which leads up to a winch. On the other end is a large rust eaten anchor. They also notice on the floor a tiny shriveled fish. There is a plate embossed with tiny runes which reads “In case main system failure: hydrate fish”.

As Zethertraps and monolocazoids streak by, a soft golden glow forms in the center of their box. In less than a na-nuta it expands becoming two figures. The first is an old Hume wearing the robes of the Arcanist fraternity: Ivern. The second is a doughy looking, yet resplendent Ankh-mite: Meep. The three prisoners waste no precious energy on being surprised by this, for in less than a na-nuta they will exit the other end of the teleportal out into who knows where.

Suddenly the white noise of wind replaces the streaking noiseless whirl of the Zetherscape. It is almost as if a celestial sand timer had suddenly been started. Watching the individual grains wiggle in slow motion only increases the tension of the ground hurtling upward. Somebody has the sense to pull the chain. The winch unwinds until there is a lurch as the sky anchor bites into a cloud. They impact the ground forcefully enough so that the cage door breaks open. Before crawling out Philton pockets the shriveled fish.

It is night. They are in a featureless arid waste of a land. Not far away is a freestanding structure. There is movement in the glow from its many windows. Behind the ramshackle building are mountains that look like a monstrous set piece. Voices can be heard above the plinking of the steam organ. Seems obvious, everyone begins walking towards the structure.

They can see after a few steps that there is an open tent between them and the building. A warf sits at a low table and cheerfully motions them closer once they make eye contact. He wears the gaudy robes of an Arcanist. “Sit down, let me pour you a drink. You can call me Boogha”. Everyone sits. Philton nods towards the building “you got anything to drink?”. A stale jug of Ancient Style and parchment cups are produced. The Acananist begins talking as the troupe sips one of the oldest beverages on Urth. “ a collector of these smooth rocks. Yeah, that’s right.” He gestures towards an old barrel. Piled in it are the rocks which are old chunks of ancient tek, some of which are still partially clad in an off-white shell.

There is not a lot of discussion, perhaps the impact with the ground is still fresh in their minds. Or their bodies are rejecting the liquid being thoughtlessly being poured into them. “You're gonna need some coins if you want to go there” motioning to the building. “I’ll pay you 400 hgp for each rock”. Cassius suddenly speaks “We need a wand too.” Boogah leans back which causes his robe to shift and reveal his own wand sticking out of his belt. The Grant wonders how big his wand saber would be. Ultimately a price is decided and the troupe walks off into the night towards the ancient site. A torch gives off a ten foot circle of light. The path ends at a crevasse. In the blackness beyond they can make out the white noise of something...hundreds of limbs which are likely attached to… Chunks of an ancient place hang out beyond the edge suspended by tree trunk sized rebar. The troupe walks across them to islands of plascrete.

They walk from one to another, backtracking when the rebar ends. After a bit of this they come across an intact structure, rounded and cylindrical. At the same time they discover that the area is overrun by three foot long creatures with reddish ant bodies and a large closed flower instead of a head. The creatures intentions are unclear. Cassius unleashes a rolling carpet of fiery napalm from his palms, killing dozens. The sudden blast of flame spooks Smock, who immediately starts running back to the safety of the path. This is cut short when the rag doll slips off the rebar to plummet one hundred and twenty feet to the rocky bottom. Everyone is both relieved and surprised to learn that rag dolls don’t sustain injuries from falling. Suddenly another blast of napalm tears into the “flower ants”. Meep, Ishtar’s Ankhmite has just learned by watching Cassius how to cast Arcanic magic. There is a pause as the group digests this thought.

Ivern and Philton clamber up the cylindrical structure. There is a monstrously heavy door, fortunately one edge has been pried back so that the pair are able to squeeze in. Climbing on the interior is perilous, in fact they both slip downwards a few times. This would have been very bad, the floor of the ruin is completely gone (meaning they would have fallen far down to the rocky bottom). Unlike the Raggle, they both would have sustained massive injuries. On the interior walls are hundreds of the “smooth rocks” that Boogah is so eager to collect. Previous groups have already liberated the easy ones, it takes quite a bit of effort to pry a few off. These fall to the crevasses bottom and are collected by Smock and Cassius. The troupe makes it back to Boogah’s tent just before midnight. He is surprised to see them so soon. They trade in four of the “smooth rocks” for 400 hgp each. Cassius gets a wand of house painting (two coats). He powers up his wand saber. The beam is thirty eight inches of brown energy. In his heart he knows that almost every other Arcanist within a hundred miles has a longer and more colorful blade. He jots a few notes about his adventure onto a scroll in an effort to lock down any details which could be easily forgotten. If his memory holds up, he will have a longer sabre in no time! As they all head over to the building they can hear Boogah “If you're up for another job, I’ll have a better one tomorrow!”

Join us in my garage for the next exciting chapter!

Here's the Quiz (Each correct answer is worth 1 xp):

1) In what manner was the divine chorus sung? (With tiny butterfly voices)
2) How tall do you need to be to drink? (5 ft.)
3) What is Smock made of? (Felt, polyester and stuffing)
4) What do you serve Ancient Style in? (Parchment cups)
5) How was the substance of Meers body described? (Honey from Whinnie the Pooh)
6) What was your team's name? (“Team”)
7) Name a song of the ancients mentioned in this PEOG. (The Rite of Spring)
8) When Cassius made this gesture, what was he referring to? (Finger flick)
9) How wide is Orbo’s Jet of Flame? (40 ft.)
10) What region of Urth are you in? (Bim Tuck Boo)

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #5 August 16th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Floyed and Meep. Dardigalish, Halcyon and Ivern decide to poke around the ancient library in the mansion's first floor (Note, this is how I deal with absent players. I don’t like having extra empty bodies around. Players should not have any more resources than what is at the table).
Garage Jesus: Ro*
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)
*Alternative for Crypt Lord, Basement Leader or Garage Leader

Mission accomplished, swag in hand, our troupe is now on board Leendah’s marvelous skiff awaiting her return. Meep has the folded scrap of paper and Wheeze has the pre-nup scroll. To pass time Wheeze decides to fiddle with the beak on a stick. He points it at random and speaks some magical gibberish. He is only able to coax a feeble pop out of the device. The troupe members all start getting interested in the stick with a beak on it all of the sudden and start squabbling over it. Woodness and Schwing look on in amused disgust. Crypt openers...they are just randomly generated scum after all. In the end the stick with beak changes hands a few times until Chum trades it to Wheeze for the swordelle with the clock on it’s hilt. Hey, is Meep a little taller than the last time?

"Meep" (by Meep, self portrait)

Meep decides to try out it’s interpersonal skills on Schwing. The awkward conversation immediately turns to calisthenics and Leendah’s guard challenges Meep to a push-up battle. Meep was literally born yesterday and politely asks Schwing to do one first because it doesn’t know what one is. Chum wants in on this action and in less than a na-nuta all three of them are on the floor.

Leendah appears suddenly and immediately scolds the trio. The entry door dissolves into the wall and the skiff noiselessly departs. The red haired Arcanist skips the small talk. “Let’s talk about our arrangement, shall we? Do you have my paper and scroll?” Everyone in the troupe starts talking, eventually Wheeze self elects to speak more or less for everyone. “Where are the others?” (sometimes people don’t make every game and in this case the players who ran Dardigalish, Halcyon and Ivern were not present. A plot device is created to explain why their characters are not present. In this case Leendah says that she telatransported them back to the Dusty Penngooinn. However, later the Garage Jesus* changes this and the aforementioned crypt openers have been shrunk down and are relaxing in a tiny matchstick lounge). Woodness and Schwing sit at the ready, patiently like two bored gunfighters. 

Wheeze says “I have really been thinking about stealing this skiff”. There is a nano-pause. Leendah smiles, making her cute freckles appear sinister. “I can understand that, but that would be a very bad idea. I am certain there would be no survivors''. Wheeze really is being cool headed and explains that maybe as part of their reward she would let him fly the skiff for a deca-nuta or so. After much explanations to Chum in regards to whether this would affect his share of the swag payment for performing the mission, Leendah agrees to hand over the skiffs controls for 5 mi-nutas. She passes him the rubicon control orb while explaining that your thoughts are used to direct the vessels movements. Wheeze is able to “see” the landscape whizzing by. He tries to get the ship to perform a loop, but is only able to put the ship into a steep climb. Inside the G forces are cancelled by hidden magics. Leendah half assumes that they were up to something. Newbies always are.

On cue, Chum pulls out a framed print of the Eiffel tower (I don’t recall where they got that from, IKEA perhaps), steps over to the bulkhead and like Buster Keaton attempts to hang it on a non-existent nail. Leendah knows this is meant to be a distraction. The only reason she falls for it is because Chum spends four Pith (a type of xp) to make it work. Meanwhile, Wheeze has put his hand behind his back in order to use his sneak ability (zethersnatching) to find a monolocazoid, allowing his hand to appear in another location. Finding a monolocazoid doesn’t always work, so he also expends four Pith to make sure it does. His hand appears behind Leendah and drops a “sneaky ball” creating a pit underneath both her and one her bodyguards, Woodness. Both are instantly sucked out through the opening. The four players now only have to deal with Schwing.

Blue Boldie

Schwing is the smaller of the two Corellian boildies, but however wields a powerful dagger of upheaval which can rend one's soul for damage up to fifty points. In the twenty four second long melee Wheeze and Meep are knocked down to zero PHP and revived. Just before the fourth na-nuta begins Schwing has been mightily whittled down. It looks as if the players have pulled off the craziest of plans.

But it is not to be. In the fourth round Leendah pops up through the hole and empties the entire clip of her AK-47 into the cabin. There are no survivors and the first TPK in many years.

Join us in my garage for the next exciting chapter!

Here's the Quiz (Each correct answer is worth 1 xp):

1) Where would you keep achievements if you killed someone? (In your eyes of course)
2) What makes every joke funnier? (Writing them down)
3) Stick had what on end? (Penguin beak)
4) What is the magic word I said this evening? (Nishkabob)
5) What shouldn’t you have flown? (Economy)
6) What diameter is the Rubicon control orb? (1.5 inches)
7) What  did I write and forget? (Larva lamp)
8) Where does “Leendah” come from? (A Chevy Chase Doritos commercial)
9) What is the acronym for the rule where you can’t touch something blue? (L.A.R., or Live Action Rule)
10) What did Meep create this evening? (A pocket)





Monday, August 17, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #4 August 9th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Floyd, Halcyon, Dardigalish and Meep.

Garage Jesus: Ro*

Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG (played in my open garage)

*Don’t Ask

The telaportal spits our group into a pitch dark underground cellar. Nearby can be heard water splashing gently in a fountain. Desperate for any form of light, Wheeze pulls out the ancient helmet he found upstairs. From the tiny LED the troupe is able to make out dim shapes within arms reach.

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #3 July 31st 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum, Ivern, Floyed and Halcyon
Garage Leader: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*i.e., played in my garage, players separated and doors open.

Dardigalish decides to go back to the skiff (this is how we deal with an absent player, their CO takes themselves out of the action).

Our troupe now only has four hours remaining to complete the mission. They have a key, all they need to do is find and figure out what it unlocks.

Sneaking Chum past the party guests on the third floor is presenting a problem. So far the two Sneaks have been trying to use modded Tricky Balls to do this, but this hasn’t worked. The thinking now is that maybe walking up the stairs to the second floor will fire up some kind of inspiration. Better than standing around.

Friday, August 7, 2020

Mission: Number Nine Pointy Place #2 July 26th 2020

Troupe: Wheeze, Chum and Dardigalish
The Crypt Lord: Ro
Medium: Spatially Enhanced RPG*
*i.e., played in my garage, players separated and doors open.

Unrolling below the magnificent skiff is a vast northern landscape of bent and gnarled trees. Here and there can be caught glimpses of remote structures whose style is definitely foreign. After a couple of gar-nutas the skiff nears two low hills which hug a secret and hidden city.