Crack Town Adventures

This re-cap of the Crack Town adventures was penned by Gargo-Fu 321, as told to by Gargo-Fu M21005. It is well documented that Gargo-Fu M21005 was a member of the infamous Doop’s Scoop Troupe until the Wars of Klum.

While this recap will likely be riddled with numerous errors of varying proportion, nobody else has a recollection of these events to be able to correct me. It all starts predictably in the festering slime pit* known as Crack Town. The troupe consists of Kwizling, the Khitan Yogi-Rabbi who worships furniture; Rock, the ironically wooden sneak; Gorganzola, a Periwinkle Boldie slashmonger with a parasitic tree growing out of his head; and soon to join is Fidus Rexus, the adorable ‘Chon schwartzer. There is some brief banter about the Crack In The Hill Gang, whom Rock is an intern for. However, our attention must quickly shift back to the current location of the tectonically fluid Town of Crack. Unlike most places that have the misfortune to be planted in the ground in one spot, Crack Town simply magically uproots itself when things get dull and simply reappears somewhere else. That somewhere else is a tiny atoll far out to sea. Waves smash against the rocky shore on this island of stone. A large castle is perched atop its miniature mountain-esque topography: Fort Lungemore.

*Technically Crack Town is not a slime pit. No gelatinous, viscous or jellified materials, creatures, bogs, or pools have never been described as being noticed, seen or imagined there.

Castle "Lungemoor" of the White 'Chon Nation

The nature of Crack Town can be bewildering. To those not from there it simply is invisible. It conveniently parks itself in some corner of a place and is invisible, until you physically move into it’s space. Imagine such a confused non-denizen, Fidus. He is a native ‘Chon of this place, but is now confused because he can smell a collection of invisible pungent humanoids clustered together in front of him. He follows his nose onto the hill and suddenly Crack Town is visible. The troupe converses with Fidus and he joins them at least for the time being. Perch, the incredibly ugly lohg slashmonger and Aurelius the smaller than expected Arcanist mengueer join the gang*.

Chaos ensues when a large nose amplification horn is confused for a piece of outdoor furniture by Kwizling, because it could possibly be being mistreated. Fighting breaks out with a unit of chon’ soldiers and all the players are apprehended and brought to doggy jail, except for Kwizling who escaped upon his magnificent flying carpet, even though he was the one who instigated the fight. Partially on their own and partially with the assistance of Kwizling and his carpet, the captured party members escape with few hiccups. They flee the army of fluffy white soldiers and return to Crack Town with Fidus joining them more permanently, having gained nothing else from the experience overall.

Once back in Crack town they are asked by Orbo the Great, who needs no introduction, to assist him in a bet. The party must enter a harrowing matchbox dungeon which contains a miniature Tomb of Horrors and recover the golden comb within some specified amount of time which I cannot recall. The gang accepts in exchange for a bunch of random garbage which includes but is not limited to: a bag, prettiness potions and branded crossbow bolts. Orbo then magically squeezed the space between their molecules together, shrinking them down. Within the matchbox, they stood at the base of a thorny hill, which if you were to look down upon from 200ft would resemble a skull. Lots of digging through brambles to uncover entrances, avoiding trap doors with spike pits and stopping at dead ends later and the troupe is exhausted and tired of this out of date nightmare of a lich’s lair.

Three notable things occured before time ran out and the party inevitably failed. The first was that Perch, who wanted to become smarter, had their brain swapped with a mutant four armed gargoyle by Fidus with one of his “brilliant” inventions. This ended up just killing Perch and putting the gargoyle in their body, so Kwizling conjured a game of Explodical Chairs to resurrect the gargoyle with Perches brain inside. After this amazing spectacle Perch was better in practically every way except for their intelligence due to their new gargoyle body. The next notable event was that after being sprayed twice over by traps that cause ones muscles to atrophy, Fidus became temporarily non-motile and had to create an exosuit to pilot his own movements. And the last noteworthy occurrence was that Kwizling befriended a sword wielding skeleton who popped out of a chest, his name is Barry.

After dragging their feet through the dungeon they were finally pulled out by Orbo, who expectantly requested the golden comb. Kwizling hastily created a mock up comb that was essentially a small gold piece of furniture that vaguely resembles a comb. Really I don't remember how that played out or even if Kwizling ever presented it to him, but what matters is that Orbo needed to go to the bathroom. In doing so, he left two chaotic maniacs unsupervised in his home. Kwizling and Barry sat behind a glass door, so that they could observe the maniacs without risking bodily harm. The two lunatics: Gorganzola and Perch started to rifle through Orbo’s things almost immediately, pulling out and testing wands to various results. This lead to the appearance of two fifteen foot squids, and a lot of durians occupying the room rather spontaneously. Through all the flicking of wands it was only right that someone would roll a natural one eventually, and when it happened the wand in question “clogged” and began building up energy. In a stroke of unbridled genius, Perch decided that the best course of action would be to hit the wand in question with a sword, thus causing the proverbial evening of gameplay to end abruptly.

The next session began with the troupe in an abruptly new and unfamiliar setting. All of them were tucked in comfortably to a very comfortable bed. Within a sparsely furnished house with blank walls. A small mechanical bird like creature with one central eye, called a Mecha Gargo Foo, poked Perch awake. Accompanied by the Gargo Foo, the gang leaves the building to discover it plummeting towards the ground. Also seen is a very handsome goblin esque creature riding on some sort of contraption. Fast forward a little through some mucking about as the house hits the ground and a miscommunication with a nearby village. A woman who looked exactly like the barmaid in Crack town, with a hole in her head dressed like a fairy princess, descended from the sky, and informed the party of their current situation. They were all dead, but saved by Kwizling’s God Kwazacktoe, and in order to be revived they need to defeat the Quizzard of Claus. He was located in a place beyond the plain of rings, and through the weeping hills of glue. Due to all manner of random decisions and inter party arguments, one of which resulted in someone almost having a church dropped on them, the journey was slow going.

Along this journey we cut away from our main story to temporarily go to a sort of B plot, with two new characters. Smudge, a dlugg arcanist who owns a small magical testing item testing company through sheer nepotism; and Klomp, a third urk slashmonger who acts as Smudges sole employee and bodyguard. While testing a cerebra skiff, a sort of sled device that would allow instant transmission through use of the zetherscape. One mishap later, involving a failure to understand a sequence of numbers and letters that would serve as instructions. and they end up in the same weird place the rest of the troupe is currently in. The newcomers invite the stranded party aboard their skiff, and they rocket forward at a pace to make up for their earlier trudging. Unexpectedly, they just happened to run into their target: the Quizzard while flying and Perch charged straight at him, killing him rather rapidly with a barrage of explosive swords created by Fidus. But not actually, because at the request of Kwizling he was left just barely alive so that he could be finished by a guillotine. Semantics happen and now everyone is back alive, including Klomp and Smudge who didn’t really die, and without their cerebra skiff. This is confirmed to be a different timeline, where the wand that Perch struck didn’t explode which only makes this infinitely more complicated for no reason, so it's best not to think about details. Now back in reality and back in time, of course Gorganzola and Perch proceed to mess with Orbo even more, drawing a face on one of his seemingly faceless henchmen, while waiting for him to retrieve a dehydrated yek from the back of his store that Gorgonzola wanted to purchase. A yek is of course exactly like a yak except its internal anatomy is reversed and incredibly inefficient. Once hydrated, the yek which was once a mere dodecahedron became a large fluffy quadruped, dubbed “Thirsty” by Gorganzola. Having endured a lifetime of mayhem and then a brief conversation with Leendaa (spelling) about being able to pet Gorganzola’s yek in exchange for a saddle, the troupe decided to go to Krums, the bar obviously. Drinks were ordered in rounds and Kwizling retreated to his room with Barry to polish his chairs, tables and bed, where he would retire from play for the time being.

 Following the unrelated rules of equivalent exchange, the new character Doop, the one and a half foot tall bipedal fish schwartzer who is also a chain smoker, emerges in the bar. He quickly joins up with the party for brevity, and while enjoying banter they discover a lever in one of the back booths. Pulling this lever unveils a narrow decrepid stairway into the dark below. Winding tunnels and branching paths lead the gang to a room with a bunch of sarcophaguses, where they fight necro-bone freakazoids, and find a character from the Yon’ of Ofaz, Roboda, the cyborg terracotta slashmonger. The fighting is broken up by Marylin mindless, because the necro-bones are actually the wait staff at a secret bar below krums called the Underbone. Marylin takes them there and Gorganzola makes trouble with the undead wait staff again, while Doop tries to place bets on the fight. An arm wrestle with a fish later and now Eggo, a human who bet with Doop, now owes Doop his life. Obviously he flees down a secret escape through the fire pit in the back of the bar, which leads down to a secret underground town called Crypt Town.

After talking to a local mystic Doop learns that Eggo owns the bar down here. Which to clarify is a bar within a town within a bar within a bar. This is however not an example of inception, because that isn’t what inception means. Trampling around the town messing with various local businesses and finally Doop strangles Eggo to death and claims the bar as his own. The bar has several “randomly generated rooms” and the gang ends up fighting a necro undead monarch of unspecified gender, and finding a box full of oil. But after learning that any renovations they could make to the bar would be undone the next time crack town moves, they decided to abandon the prospect of owning a bar. “Night time” comes, which isn't very significant due to the fact that Crypt Town is underground, however during this time there is a brief kerfuffle with an automation of surprise. Then the ruining of a festival related to a plate of golden salt. The proceeding events are now current enough to be found on the “session 10” blog post. However it has been at least 20 sessions by now.

Few have seen this tiny village which is located on grassy knoll.  This is no surprise as the hill is enchanted to relocate itself every 3d6 days. Moreover, it's also invisible to outsiders. Maybe you know a friend of a friend who can help you find it or maybe you'll stumble upon it through blind luck. For those few who are "in the know" it's home to a number of unique shops well worth visiting.

The bean shaped knoll measures approximately 600’ x 450’ and is typically about 40 feet at its apex. Thirty structures are interconnected by winding paths under a canopy of ancient trees. Such notable denizens include Clogg Narr, Orbo the Great, the Crack In The Hill Gang and the Mighty Ishtar/Glaaarg Temple. As the name suggests a crack runs north to south dividing the hill cleanly into two sections. Once the hill comes to rest in a new locale each side of the hill magically adjusts its height relative to the other half based on the morality of the area. If Crack Town appears in Urkey, the hill side with Glaaargs temple rises higher. If Crack Town ends up in Doi, then the other hill section with Ishtars temple on it will be higher. Foundations mystically reconstitute themselves so the structures remain upright. Basements and related underground areas are constantly in flux. It has even been known from time to time that one's basement may be completely replaced with entrances to underground areas native to the region.

Here is a quick overview if you happen to visiting or accidentally blunder onto it while taking the zlog out for a walk:

The hill itself has a gentle roll to it. A rich green static grass grows everywhere, flegstone footpaths connect each structure. The buildings are Croftperson style and the gay colors kept in good repair. It has a chirpy small town feel to it that is in no way fake or spooky. On the north end is the mighty temple of Ishtar/Glaaarg constructed on the only exposed outcroppings of the finest rail rock. As noted earlier the temple straddles the crack that divides the hill and in fact the temple is also split along this fault allowing the two sections to slide up and down. It is home to a host of acolyte Yogi-Rabbis in training who wear reversible robes. Located in the hills center is the smart looking park of blasted statuary. Arrayed around the park are a number of unique businesses including Grimm Sweets, Emporium O and Slee Roth the Curd carver. On the other side of the crack is the knolls one place of lodging and drink, the wildly popular Krums Inn. On the south end of the mound is located the guild hall of CITHG sneaks guild hall run by Bozo Whippet. All in all approximately 140 beings call this place home.

Crack Town is the new home base for the current summer campaign, already two sessions old. More on those as soon as I get them written!

PDF link to the Crack Town map HERE